I headed home that Sunday morning with me constantly ringing her with no answer. . leaving WhatsApp voice messages and text messages saying I wasn’t happy and this was being dealt with TODAY, no more hiding for her !!!
Every other layby I would pull in and do this so my son couldn’t hear what was going on .. I would get the odd message back , swearing to me Craig I haven’t been on there but no decency of a phone call , it’s not my account .. please please calm down ..
I said to her when I finally got hold of her on the many missed calls she had got that she better start explaining .. as it was now too much to ignore .. i wasn’t taking any more shit that affected me and my mind so much .. it just wasn’t fair .. I wanted an end to it .. as I was a tortured soul beneath my normally hiding smile and happy facade I was a broken man.
I pulled up to the house knowing full well that she probably had been trying to get access to the account to hide or conceal what was on there .. but it didn’t matter as I had changed the password myself the night before and had photos of the profile in my phone.
Heading straight to the kitchen where I could hear her I walked straight up to her and she just turned away and started pottering in the kitchen .. I shouted Kate .. what the fuck … !!! Tell me now what is going on !! I bet there has been someone in this house , in our bed .. I snapped ” you fucking bitch ” you are sending me crazy .. this is mental abuse your putting me through .. I thought we loved each other … We are a family .. what have I done to deserve to all this cloak and dagger behaviour.. I calmed down , but that was me with my body language not showing I was filled with rage inside .. I asked quietly ” are the boys mine ” I’m hurting .. give me something.. in fact if this is all in my head .. show me your phone .. ( I mentioned this while furious on the way home while in a layby that I’m going to take your phone of her to look through it ) now this is something I’ve never ever asked her until then , it felt so wrong even saying it .. she turned around and handed it to me .. locked of course .. I said open it now .. she said fine ..opened the phone and said I’ll take the boys up the shop around the corner while you snoop .. I thought to myself. . fucking snoop .. and said to her while she walked out of the room .. you bitch !! she said fine .. go through it .. I have not messaged anyone or met anyone .. you need to stop this it’s consuming you .. I thought honestly and said in my head ” you cunt !!! I was being driven insane by the one thing I had and trusted in the world , my rock my pivot … Why on earth didn’t she give me something.. anything to stop the madness ! I couldn’t work it out .. my head spun .. I felt dizzy .. I heard the front door slam as she left , sounded like her slamming it after her . But realised it was the wind passing through my house which made me jump .. now I never really jump at bangs .. it’s an army thing .. this time I did .. I realized there and then this was having an effective change to my nerves ..! I kept on tapping the screen on her iPhone to make sure it didn’t lock while I got myself together to go through this phone that probably caused all this … I knew she would be half an hour give or take a bit so I headed out my back garden to gather myself .. brace myself for the revelation and confirmation of my family being ripped apart ..
I was straight on that phone like a bullet firing out of a gun .. I didn’t know my way around an iPhone but went for it .. I went straight for her email to check if the inbox knew that’s the last thing she would delete or hide .. I went straight for the blocked contacts .. as I thought she would block anyone that had messaged her from the sites as it would give an email notification for her various inboxes .. bang .. !!! There it was in the 1st minute .. there was the swinging website , tinder and another I didn’t hear of or know about .. snap snap I went for it on my phone with my then sweaty hands . Not furious anymore .. I had just found confirmation so it was a relief so she couldn’t deny anymore .. and this mental torture of mine fuck off, I thought this has now ended ..
I went through WhatsApp and messages , browsed the call list .. couldn’t see anything that stood out , but why would I ? She had a full hour to conceal anything and I was fully aware of this .. I’m not naive or stupid in any sense ..
She came back and I said ” see nothing there. . your digging on me and it’s consuming you .. you’ll go crazy I swear .. there’s nothing there to find so please please stop , I love you .. there is nothing to find .. I swear on our kids’ lives . I mean it Craig .. stop .. and now !!!
I thought .. ” you fucker !!! ” How dare you still give me nothing.. if there was any ounce of respect for me in her body .. that in my mind was now at 0% .. she thinks I was born yesterday ??? what I felt at the time with my nerves shot .. I felt like I was that indeed I must have been born yesterday .. my now always positive feelings of the world now shattered with a trust issue that would succumb with me having a bump of cocaine even more often .. I needed the false hope of what now became apparent was my sharp minded cocaine detective addiction , not worse but more often I would tell myself I needed it.. it gave me a energy to get through the day .. my crutch .. although deadly in some cases , it made me so alert . Like a hyena looking for prey in the wilderness .. I overcome that Need for my little bump or a line of pure as I write this ,but then it became a Friend and was a friend of mine who always kept me in guard, my crutch .. I would in my own mind break my own legs with hammers to put myself in crutches .. or even a wheelchair .. like a mother or father I never really had.. a support structure I suppose .. but it would always steer me and sharpen me , and would drive me forward to notice things I always saw but never took notice .. the finer .. finer details . Which as the story goes on.. are everything and everywhere , but then.. I was an even sharper knife edge and still am today because of it . It’s a curse and a blessing .. which one I haven’t figured out yet !!
The revelation was out in my mind and at that moment it didn’t feel like my home .. so many things about what had and could have happened in that house hit me like a knockout punch .. I looked at my kids and thought you poor sods god knows what’s around the corner for you .
Right I said .. word now out the back .. she marched towards me and then straight past the back door and down the corridor towards the front of the house . I shouted at Kate !!! Explain to me now .. please tell me if you have met anyone .. the response ” I haven’t been on that CHAT site .. I said, “What ?? A chat site .. it’s a swingers site .. her reply with her face all red and flustered.. ” that’s not my account .. she repeated this over and over .. like somehow I’d just go ” oh ok sorry what was I thinking even looking into this when I found you on other dating ” CHAT SITES ” .. i thought this was over but obviously this isn’t ..
I flipped open the laptop and said come and look at this.. ITS YOUR FUCKING PROFILE !! I was having none of this .. the denial was killing me and it was in plain sight . I couldn’t work it out .. I knew her ..I knew her deepest traits .. but cheating .. NO NO NO never I thought she was capable and this just isn’t her .. she’s quiet and reserved with an education.. surely after all this time together and the respect we had for each other stood , didn’t it ? . She went straight back into the kitchen ..
That’s it I thought .. pulled my phone out and started to flip through the pictures I took the night before .. look I said it’s your profile I logged in with the simplest login details I could think of .. your common email and your date of birth .. now at this point I thought to myself .. she’s in denial but how could she be it was there in black and white .. and due to me pinging her phone over the last few months why was is so easy to find and even that login.. if that was me I would have burned down Google or Microsoft to prevent such a revelation.. or even make the password so complicated that it couldn’t be accessed at all .. something is wrong here I felt it so strongly . she wanted me to find it but there was no history on the profile .. WHY was beyond me then but I know now .
I spent some time with the boys out the back garden , I was there but wasn’t there in my mind .. while honesty I can remember it like yesterday she just carried on with pottering and cleaning the kitchen while I sat there looking at my destroyed family tapping my foot really fast wondering what my next move would be .. I was out of ideas .. I didn’t think there was anything there and then I could think of something that I hadn’t already tried. I was exhausted and lost to say the least and my mind fleeted to what I would do next as the dream home wasn’t mine anymore .. felt like a dirty horrible situation and place to be in . I never felt so alone although the kids were happy and laughing playing in the newly done garden and I could hear the dab radio playing music In the kitchen and Kate humming to the songs that were playing as if the weekend had never happened at all in her mind ..
It entered my mind a blag.. knowing I was still in charge of the account .. I thought , and it was a long shot..
Straight to the junk draw in our dining room cabinet pulled out a black thick marker and a blank piece of paper .. wrote her username “AMES999″ the date and the site name .. walked straight up to her and said ” hold that .. if this isn’t yours , I’ll take a picture then upload it and it will unlock the entire history of everything that you have ever uploaded , chatted too etc ..
FUCK !!! that hit a nerve .. she hit the roof .. I mean a temper I have never ever seen , and I mean ever .. I didn’t even know she had a temper .. she went crazy .. ” How dare you , how dare you !! ” Over and over she shouted, there was fear in her eyes .. I saw this look before but only when I confronted her about the dating sites . The same look .. it wasn’t a look of me finding out .. this was different.. you have to understand that I know this woman and she had never ever lied to me. We were best friends .. soul mates .. she had no reason to .. she hit me and marched me backwards out of the kitchen with the mop she was holding .. screaming at me .. I’m not having my picture taken or even uploaded to some fucking chat site that Isnt mine .. your creepy and this needs to stop .. you’re going insane digging and looking for something that just isn’t there .. I said to her ” you are so scared if that wasn’t you what have you got to hide. Why are you on these so-called chat sites in the 1st place .. maybe just maybe if you weren’t on them in the 1st place I would have nothing to find or even dig or search for .. it doesn’t add up .. I called her Amy an abbreviated version of her common site Ames .. , she went even more crazy .. it then dawned on me there and then that when we 1st met .. I said to her while chatting about Phoebe from Friends, the TV program who made up a fake name to annoy her on screen boyfriend.. that my name was Craig Jones nice to meet you and held out my hand to shake .. like James Bond .. Craig , Craig Jones nice to meet you .. she held her hand out and said back to me her fake name . Hi I’m Amy , Amy Davies.. we both laughed .. !!
I missed the clue that I could have used that time just to say it is you .. remember that time you gave me your fake name .. you’re using it on your dating sites when you’re with me .. we have a family !!!
I said to her .. you’ve been on that site for 9 fucking months it says so on the profile .. it’s longer than the other sites .. what and I mean what the fuck .. your still denying it .. you say that I’m going crazy .. you are fucking crazy putting not only another human through this but I’m supposed to be the love of your life .. I know things aren’t easy at times .. but do you think people who are married for 40 years have it easy .. there are ups and downs you know and I accept that but all this isn’t normal .. 9 FUCKING months I yelled and the other sites ??? our son is only a year old .. if he is my son .. she looked at me ..” really?” she said ??? As if this was a stupid .. a really stupid question .. it was the only one I had left in my then drained body.
I didn’t know what exactly to do , shall I walk out .. move out .. starting flipping out . What was next .. I was simply out of ideas. I remained civil that day as the boys there and the afternoon passed by like a normal family .. with my blood pressure shot every minute of every hour .. with the thoughts in my brain going tick tock , tick tock .. it was racing and I needed an elephant tranquilliser to subdue me and what was coming . I should have bought the said tranquilliser drug in bulk.