On the morning of the wedding, I felt great. I hadn’t much sleep but that was usual for me in my troubled mind.
I called Matthew and Gemma and arranged to pick them up to head down altogether all suited and booted as we were staying the night at the venue… I hadn’t really done the best man’s speech but I had an idea in my head .. although I told the groom it was all sorted I hadn’t really attempted it so a blag was in the cards .. heading down I wasn’t even sure what was in front of me in relation to seeing people I knew and hadn’t seen for a while, but decided ah fuck it .. I was pretty much a recluse and had plans the following week to pack up and fuck off to Spain as the hurt and was too much and Matthew had agreed to come with me and for getting a house all done up and with rooms I’d rent out I would then give him my tourer caravan which we were going to take with us fully laden with tools for the project , so In my mind this last public outing to a wedding would be my farewell to Wales .
My suit fitted to my surprise as I’d lost weight .. had to make another notch in the belt with a sharp kitchen knife nearly taking off my balls as like a fool I did it while wearing it … Matthew came to my rescue on that occasion thank fuck! Just before I went to the wedding, I had my hair cut over in Morriston… Matthew called and asked for my number to give to his brother so he could check in with me. As I logged on the screen juddered and underneath my number on my Google contacts was another number .. I sent it to Matthew and asked him to call it! I wrote it down on my hand and tried too .. Matthew got back to me and said it just goes dead mate .. I tried too and had the same response… so was it an old number on the phone .. can’t be I said to myself as this phone is only 6 months old and the number is the same I’ve had for a year or two as it’s the scrap yards mobile number .. it baffled me and I left it there as I was rushing to get to this wedding!!
So pulling up at the fancy hotel I saw loads of people I knew all having a fag outside the venue and I was so scared right then to get out of my van .. a feeling of Severe anxiety came over my body… it was only days before I decided that I would go as I told the groom that I was not going due to the state of my mental health, his response was that I had to do what I had to do .. but as I was so indecisive at the time with everything I thought I’d be gutted if I missed it if I had to look back.
I threw my stuff in my room and went down for a pint .. it wasn’t that bad. I was settled, seeing all the boys I used to hang around with .. as always, I noticed how people were in certain situations… I had a lot of so-called friends saying ” oh mate if you ever needed a chat? I heard you went through a bad breakup. You should have called I am always here for you. “
My only response was .. shouldn’t you have called me? I had this Repeated over and over through the circles of different couples that morning .. my only response was that I said to them all ” you should have rung me if you knew I was having a rough time and were concerned.” and I still stand by that now!
Wandering about feeling ok but nervous about my speech I was about to give in a couple of hours .. I went for a walk on the grounds .. I had 2 missed calls of a number withheld .. it didn’t faze me as I had more pressing things to worry about .. so lighting up a fag my phone goes .. I answered with a happy ” yeeeeellllooooowwww ” the man on the phone wasn’t from Swansea as I could tell by the accent… he asked me if I was ok and what are my plans for the day and where was I ?
My location was none of his business I said and who are you ??? .. he said that he was a doctor from Cefn Coed mental hospital and he was checking in on me as there had been a report that I was being erratic all morning!!
I said how did you get my number and who had called as I hadn’t really spoken to anyone that morning about my concerns, my feelings or my nervous breakdown I was going through as it wasn’t the time and place .. I explained to him what had happened in the breakup between me and Katie and he agreed that it can’t have been easy .. so I carried on chatting to him although more polite than when I 1st answered .. Near the end of the conversation he said they were sending the police to pick me up as I hadn’t convinced him I was ok although I poured my heart to him .. and they were going to take me in just as a formality… he said where are you at the wedding?? I replied ” how do you know I’m at a wedding? “He replied that’s where you are, aren’t you .. only the guests that were there knew my where abouts also Kate and Andy too.
I told him plain and simple to fuck off and he wasn’t ruining the day for my mate and his bride to be .. I said if the police turn up I’ll cause mayhem and I’ll get all the other guests to join me and you’ll have a mob on your hands and a pretty upset bride and groom to deal with ..
He said don’t be angry he was only doing his job .. so I cut off the call, bye doc I said!!
As it was a strange call and unexpected I decided to call Cefn Coed hospital myself and ask why there were grave concerns about my mental health .. I googled the number quickly and called and they had no idea who or what I was on about .. they said doctors here don’t call people like that as they are not a response unit .. it must have been the mental health team in Swansea centre or my GP and read the number out to which I replied it was from a withheld which they confirmed that it wasn’t them ..it couldn’t have been them and that phone call was definitely not them .
So pissed off with someone making a prank call I turned my phone off until I did my speech..
After all that best man stuff we had the meal etc and then I relaxed and just joined in as best I could .. I was so fed up with about 2100 of people’s so-called concerns saying I looked thin and they were there for me if I needed .. again, my point was where have you been while all this is going on?? After feeling patronised for what seemed weeks that afternoon, I said to Matthew that my head was fried with all the fake concerns about my well-being, and I was fucking off early back home to the caravan. He looked at me with a smile and said we are coming too .. so me and Gemma headed back to the caravan about an hour drive .. as I was pissed I messaged Kate and told her I was going to Spain and basically told her to go fuck herself, I hoped she was happy making me into a shell of the man I was and to get some sort of revenge I would start posting things on social media to show what she done to me .. and the reason was her that i lost the plot as she was a cruel bastard to me … I was fuming and said to Matthew and Gemma that it was out of my system for the night as I was fed up of bending Their ears about it .. there was no response on her WhatsApp although she had seen them .. so we headed home .. I felt comfortable being back in the caravan and my ears were still ringing from all the music and great advice I got from people who knew nothing about my life ..
I racks up a line and Matthew says fuck bro ..there is police everywhere outside the caravan and I mean everywhere.. I see the blue lights and this is a part of my life that took a nosedive .. the wedding was to be my last happy memory for a long time!!
They came flying in and grabbed me through the front door of the caravan… I hit my head on so many wooden posts on the way out it gave me an instant headache .. South Wales police force at their finest!!
As I was dragged out with the officer saying you can’t be going around threatening to kill people .. I said I haven’t so fuck up you Bully!!
In the back of the police van, I shouted MATTHEW PLEASE LOOK AFTER THE CARAVAN AND PLEASE LOOK AFTER DEXTER AND MAKE SURE ITS LOCKED UP!! I couldn’t do much else as I was dragged and cuffed and launched into the meat wagon… the officer who sat in the back said you’ll be seen in the police station and he read me my rights again ( only because I like hearing them faff about repeating it ) once he was finished I said you never did what you just did to me to the fuckers who burnt out my machine at the yard .. well done for using unreasonable force on an innocent till proven guilty man !!
I stayed silent on the journey down and it seemed ages .. I was tired and my thoughts raced! How did life come to this .. with all the police surrounding my home as I was days away from leaving the pain in my head and heart to go to Spain to start a new life ..
In the holding cell I was told to shut up for asking who the threats of kill were towards .. I was told you’ll have your say in your interview! They called me forward and made me stand on a line and say my name and I replied ” what’s the charge sarge” the Sargent replied ” harassment” I’m like what? All those police officers, the lights, the sirens were for harassment? I couldn’t work it out ..
They asked me would I like to call anyone to know I was in custody, and although Matthew and Gemma knew I was in as they saw being taken away so the only person I suggested was Katie and they said it was her that put the harassment charge on me .. I said it didn’t matter and told them to tell her anyway as I had no one to call really … So at 0200 in the morning on that Saturday I was put in a cell at Swansea police station and left alone with my thoughts until morning!
After a shit night sleep and no food the officer came to my cell and said your popular I’ve had loads of people call for you to see how you are .. he said someone in the university asked about my welfare and were very concerned but we couldn’t give them any info as they are not your next of kin .
As I didn’t have a solicitor , I was advised to get one so I had instructed the duty to represent me .
I had a chat with the duty solicitor and told him the situation and even he was shocked at all the fuss with me being pulled into custody. In the interview room me and him sat discussing the harassment charge ..he pleaded with me to come clean about what had happened, and I stressed that I hadn’t harassed anyone Never mind Katie .. so I have a plan to say nothing and let the police do the footwork and put the pieces together for themselves from the download of my phone which I gave to them and full permission to look any anything but to put the case together they would need plus Kate’s phone too… I was in custody for 23 hours and the officer said that once they took Kate’s phone off her she pleaded to drop the charges and showed them screenshots of apparent chats conversations between us .. but as the officers said that can be forged and faked .. I was told that she pleaded not to take her phone but it was too late they needed this asap as if it’s a domestic the CPS ( Crown prosecution service) would go flat out as with domestic violence there are always scared partners who do not carry on with the prosecution due to fear or love between a couple.
So I was let out on Sunday and that threw a spanner into my works to move to Spain the following week .. I was bailed pending further enquiries, there were some conditions to my bail. 1 – I couldn’t go near Kate or her street and 2 – I couldn’t go near her mother or her street which wasn’t far from Kate’s.
I asked about my children, and they said I could see them with a third party acting like a go between… I was baffled and thought all this because I asked two questions… First was my kids mine and second a lie detector test to prove that she has done nothing wrong and it’s all in my head!!! Which was Repeated over and over to me by no one else but only her and I needed to get some serious help with my mental health issues because all what I found was in my head!
I went home to the caravan and sat in silence with Dexter thinking how the fuck did all this happen .. I felt so alone with Dexter laying on my lap looking up at me .. as I know it was all stressful for him too, but what was we to do? We couldn’t go near Kate but could have access to the boys… I was not allowed to contact her by any means including her family or social media… How was I to get to see my boys and how were they with all this going on?
I took the next day as it came as I got hammered the night before and thought I’d let the dust settle for a few days and hopefully she would be in touch for me to see the boys .. I told Andy what had happened and he said you need to stop digging on her as it was driving me crazy and to leave the whole situation go , she is a slag , so fuck it you are going crazy.. My reply was it’s the digging and finding more and more that got me here .. why can’t she just cave in and tell me the truth .. the world will still turn .. ! My kids mean the world to me so she can fuck off . He said get some sleep .. my response ” I don’t need sleep, I need answers!!! “
So, retail therapy was on the cards. I went out to buy a shit hot Bluetooth speaker… a Sonos and it was the best on the market. It cost me the same as a second hand car but I love music and it brings me out of despair and sadness. I think you reading this can relate too… There is a lyric that is tattooed on my arm that says ” if you lose your faith in love or music the end won’t be long ” wise words from the libertines!
I’ve always stuck to it .. and right then I’d lost my faith in love so music would bring me out of my sullen mood!
For the next few days I was in a shitty mood as me and Kate always spoke to each other. There was nothing there .. I broke bail within a week and started messaging her again asking about the boys .. I had no response, so I tried harder on all formats… text, WhatsApp, email, voice mails. I had no response at all .. absolutely nothing. it infuriated me .. why was I being punished and potentially charged with something that didn’t happen .. with my son’s caught in the middle .. was any of this needed .. ?
After everything that went on the last 2 years why had I received the shitty end of the stick … Feeling alone and isolated I felt like a fall was coming my way and a big one .. I was fighting and no one seemed to understand my point of view… I was frustrated of bending peoples ears about it .. no one seemed to care about how I was feeling .. although I was always have consideration for my friends in need ..
My barrister called me one afternoon and asked me some questions about the case .. what happened leading up to my arrest so with great detail I explained the events leading up to the arrest .. as they do on tv, they stress it’s confidential to which I was honest about .. I had nothing to hide at all .. I went and asked some questions… getting locked up for that is ridiculous?
So, my solicitor asked me to go through all my messages from me and Katie going back as far as I could to shed some light on the harassment bail, maybe id said something in anger, and it was taken out of context… I said to her no problem I’ll go through it but not that week as I was pissed off and didn’t want to fly down that angry rabbit hole again .. I wanted peace and quiet.
So that was the day I decided that me and Dexter woof woof would sleep all day and go out in the peace and quiet at night .. not driving in the van about town, just long Walks etc around the caravan parks fields, up and down the river Tawe which was my back garden and sometimes to the beach down Swansea when the tide was in .. peaceful isn’t the word .. I wish my life was like those late nights / early mornings for some time .. just high as a kite with the odd can of cider and long walks that me Dexter loved .. stress of the modern world gone .. as well as my dream of going to Spain that summer.
Linking up my phone to the brand-new Sonos speaker on Bluetooth and blasting out the stone roses all excited like I was off to a gig… I lost myself for a while and thought shit get back to what the barrister said .. go back and look for clues of me harassing Kate .. the charge that was now thrust upon me without any grounds that I could think of , so I started going through and couldn’t believe the quality of the sound it was amazing and while listening to the odd message I could do things on my Samsung s20 like alter the equaliser to pinpoint my voice and also hers so I could go through and write down and also log it to what I was feeling at the time..
Within the hour of me just listening back something sounded not right !!
I played one voice note back and I could hear her panting like she was working out, but I could hear a man’s voice in the background saying ” who’s that? ” While she was sending me a voice note on WhatsApp… I went through all the options of what it could be .. but there wasn’t any I could think of .. I was wondering what and who could be this man’s voice!!!
So I searched all the other voice notes from an hour before and also after to see if I could hear that prominent voice again .. I adjusted the equaliser on the phone and also the Sonos speaker app and I had the capability to pull up the background noise and also make voices clearer… so I could build a picture of what was going on .. she sounded so normal on the message, but I couldn’t get the man’s voice out of my head in the background. after all we went through breaking up and all the accusations from my side .. was this confirmation of what had been going on .. !
I needed help on this as it could just be in my head or mixed-up messages maybe one was playing and another too… I couldn’t jump the gun on this as it would devastate me if I was wrong or right .. I needed several people to hear this !!
I sent some back to my barrister at the company who confirmed it was what I thought!!! So I started to build a timeline and I couldn’t believe what I heard in the background… there was something going on and although it wasn’t in plain sight to hear .. it was there nether less!
My head spun in circles around and around it went… I thought all this was not behind me but away from me and there it was in the background all along ..
The timings I worked out from the suspicious back ground noise were going back years that we were in the middle road house we had sold .. I studied those audios like it was a murder mystery. Putting the pieces together, I was gobsmacked and the feeling of hurt I cannot explain or express in words .. it destroyed me and I mean destroyed me .. looking back even now I have no idea why I went on listening as every second ripped my heart apart.
The bottom dollar of it all was that I could hear moans and groans like she was having sex .. but talking about the boys haircuts etc in a calm manner… the thoughts raced through my mind over and over I was obsessed with it .. every little noise, the voices I would play back over .. my head was then and truly fucked if it wasn’t already … I turned to my mate cocaine and together I said in my head ” let’s get as much as we can to put a nail in the infidelity conspiracy theory coffin “
I spent the next few days obsessed, getting more and more like I did with the emails the year before. my thoughts ran towards who the hell was she meeting? Who were they?
It got so obsessive that I was paying for certain apps to clarify what I heard .. but I needed more, I wanted more to show anyone I wasn’t crazy!! I flew down to PC world and invested in a smarter laptop… a laptop that was all singing and dancing when I came to my needs of voice and noise separation.
I set it all up on new emails that I would create with new passwords to match the new email .. I studied them over and over in pure pain at the details in the background I could hear…
With this all-in mind I referred to the fake account I set up on the swingers site. the inbox had over 2000 messages of the fake amesnew999.!!
I didn’t know where to start as I stated that only old friends get in touch, it couldn’t have been that many people that she had been with, could it?
I started questioning these men and asking while pretending to be her when did we meet last etc .. Where was that meeting etc .. god they fell like dominos… one after another they fell. I couldn’t believe it. Most knew where she lived and worked. My head was fried to say the least ..
Straight away I sent all these screenshots to her and wanted an explanation! I had no response from her at all although we were broken up and living separately… I needed answers as I was going crazy as these audios were going on when we were together… pain and hurt rising from the pit of my stomach once again and it hurt in the pit of my stomach so much .. but I had to keep looking through or It was possible I would go to jail .. I needed to prove my innocence. Starting to catch the odd possible man out about what had been going on the sex site put me in a spin as I said before I was obsessed by it … I would have time away from the laptop but like another pint in a pub with the boys I needed or indeed a line of cocaine. I needed more. I couldn’t explain the need and I often tried and tried to let sleeping dogs lie.
It was like a terrible addiction .. I would catch these men out left and right and also catch her out too online… What bothered me so much is that these men would goad me and call her horrible name’s which drove me absolutely berserk. It turned into a man hunt very quickly… and what surprised me is that they enjoyed winding me up and wouldn’t block me which wound me up even more!!
I needed a break and how was I to do that with all the troubles in my mind … would it help who knew but I’d have a go .. I needed peace and a shut down from it all, so I decided to look for a sunny break to sit at a bar somewhere with only smiling strangers around me!